First of all, I’d like to thank everyone for all the positive feedback I’ve gotten for my last post. It caught me completely by surprise and I’m so happy you all liked it. I’ll do my best to continue pumping out great content we all can relate to. So, without further ado…
I’ve never been very open about myself.
People always seemed to put me down when I expressed how I really felt about something. Made me feel stupid; like nothing I had to say mattered. How I was “wrong” for viewing things differently. I’ve always viewed the world differently than most people, and I would always catch crap for it when I opened my mouth. So, I just stopped opening my mouth. I stopped expressing my opinion. I let society take my voice from me. That was the biggest mistake I ever made.
The other day, as I was casually sitting at my work desk, my sister walked into my room; she started patting me on the back, and told me she loved me. That she was proud of me. Highly confused, I said it back and just wondered what was up. “Does she want something..? Maybe a cookie..?”
Then it hit me.
The night before, I had posted an article on depression. When I struggled with it for those two years, I had mentioned it a little bit to a couple of people, but never went in-depth about how bad it actually was. I kept it all bottled up, deep inside my thoughts. I didn’t want anyone to see that. “No one would understand,” I thought. It just seemed like another opportunity to get picked on, so it stayed a secret.
It hadn’t occurred to me that my family had no clue about what I was going through mentally.
When I finally realized why my sister was there, rubbing my back, I had to look down at the phone in my hands to keep from tearing up. Showing emotion has never been my strong suit.
After she left, I got up from my chair, and went to take a shower (showers are my safe haven). I started crying, and I had no idea why. As the tears began to fall, I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. “Why are you crying?” I thought, “This is ridiculous.”
All of a sudden, it dawned on me. I had won. Despite not feeling that crushing, overwhelming burden-known as depression-in months, I had never taken a moment to acknowledge that it was actually over. It had stopped. I had won.
Like a dam collapsing under the weight of all the pressure; those past memories, emotions, and self-impairing thoughts, all came crashing down at once.
I remembered all the lies I used to tell myself. “You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re worthless. No wonder no one loves you.”Anytime I looked in the mirror, I hated the man standing in front of me. Constantly, I would bombard myself with these diminishing tales that I accepted as truth. And because I accepted them, they become truth.
I remembered pacing frantically on my screened-in back porch, late one night, after everyone had gone to bed; I had been screaming my heart out. so intensely, that no audible noise could even escape my throat anymore. All that ran through my mind was, “I want to live…but not if it has to be like this. If I can never break free from this…then I don’t want to live.” I was grasping for any signs of hope, where it seemed there were none.
I remembered all the evil demons that bred inside my head. Every single night, I was afraid to sleep. Night terrors were common for me. I was scared of my own mind. Whenever I closed my eyes, I could see those eyes. Those menacing, almond-shaped eyes, that glared red in the blackness. They pierced my very soul. Sometimes I would become paralyzed by this, unable to open my eyes back up. Slowly, the demon’s arms with jagged claws reached out of the void towards me. As it reached, it emitted this hissing noise. Quiet and alone at first, but the closer the arms came to me, the louder the hissing became. Soon it was not just one, but a multitude of demons. The hisses turned into screeches that wrenched your eyes and ears fully open and alert. All you wanted was for it to stop, but it got stronger and STRONGER, and louder and LOUDER. Just when you couldn’t take it anymore, they snatched you up, and you slipped away into the unknown. Like falling into a deep, perilous chasm, your mind would just drop. You were no longer in control; they were. Caught in Hell’s playground, there’s no telling what horrors would await you that night. I can’t tell you how many times this happened to me. Far too many to count. The worst part was, sometimes when I awoke from those night terrors…I still believed they were real.
That shower brought all those suppressed memories to the surface. While they were not fond memories, it was incredibly invigorating to remember them.
They were no longer bottled up. I could literally feel those demons flow out of me.
They were no longer in control. I was.
In joyous celebration, I began jumping up and down. (Highly dangerous in a shower, kids. Don’t try this at home)
I felt invincible.
“I overcame all that. I WON. I-WON!” I was no longer the scared, little kid. Suddenly, anything seemed possible.
So, now here I am. I’m here to tell you all it’s okay. I’ve taken it up as my personal responsibility to spread good word across the globe.
My life hasn’t been the easiest, but it certainly hasn’t been the hardest either. I’m sure many of you out there can relate to what I’m saying, and a good bit have probably even experienced worse things than I have. But even for those people, there is hope. The only time hope ceases to exist is when you give up. As long as you’re fighting for yourself, you have a chance.
I know it’s overwhelming. It feels impossible. I know.
But with every person you reach out to, the better your chances of recovering become. A lot of people simply don’t care, even if you open up to them. Don’t let those people ruin you though. Keep reaching out, find someone who cares.
It’ll surprise you how much love you can receive from total strangers. These are the people who have it right. They know it’s our duty as human beings to love one another, regardless of who they are, their story, or what their problem is.
We are conscious, sentient beings. That alone is probably the most beautiful thing in the universe. It’s truly a miracle.
We all have feelings (some of us don’t like to admit it). Some of us have locked them so deep inside, it seems impossible to ever feel them again. But I know they’re there.
No one is too far gone.
So for those struggling, seek help, and don’t forget to lend help to your fellow neighbor. We all struggle, and we all need love.
I won my fight.
I used to dread waking up every morning. Not because I had to get out of bed, but because I had to live. Nothing interested me, and everything felt pointless. Every day was the same dreadful routine. I did as I was told. I did what I was “supposed to do.” I was following the formula for a safe, happy life, but it was anything but that.
Everyone who suffers from depression has their own reason for why it started happening. They may not know what it is, but there’s always a reason. Try to pinpoint what the source of the problem is, and start dealing with it there. You’re stronger than you realize.
I won, because I realized I had the control: over my life, over my thoughts, over my actions.
Those demons inside my head only reflected what I was hearing from outside voices. I took all those voices-telling me what I needed to do, what I had to look like, who I needed to please-and I threw them away.
It’s time to stop doubting yourself.
It’s time to listen to your own voice.
It’s time to take action.